Torch, Winter 1991

------------------------------ by Rebekah Coriell ur first baby. Ron and I couldn ' t wait to see what God had in store for us. I felt so big. Maybe it would be a boy. Ron would probably like that. I have to confess, I wanted a little girl. But we would take either and hope that the baby was healthy. Delivery day finally came with the beginning of my labor early one morning. We called the doctor and he told us to get dressed , have a casual breakfast, and come on in to the hospital. He would meet us and deliver the baby. As Ron whisked me to the hospital, my thoughts were filled with joy and anticipation. I was so glad my husband would be there to hold my hand through delivery. Upon our arrival I was taken for X-rays. The doctor discerned that our ' I baby was quite large, and he wanted to be sure there would be no complications. I was disappointed to learn that there was a problem. He told me that my pelvic measurement was small and unable to deliver such a BIG baby naturally. That meant a dreaded C-section. Moreover, Ron would be excluded from the operating room , in spite of the fact that he had attended all the LaMaze classes. I remember waving goodbye to Ron as the nurses wheeled me down the hall. Fear gripped my heart. My first operation, ever! I hoped it would be over soon. Then the baby moved, and I was reminded of the bundle of joy I would soon be holding. The next thing I remember was waking from surgery. I was so groggy. But I managed to ask Ron, "What did we have?" He gripped my hand and said, "A daugh– ter." But there was a sadness in his voice. "Our daughter is very special," he contin– ued. I could not comprehend how such good news could come wrapped with any sadness. Only after recovery did I compre– hend the whole story. "Honey," said Ron , "our baby has an enlarged head filled with fluid. The condition is called hydrocephalus. The doctor does not expect her to live for very long because she was born without the cortex or thinking part of the brain." I was crushed. How could this happen to me? We had dedicated our baby to the Lord while she was in the womb. Ron and I were Living for God. Why us , Lord? Complications from my surgery soon set in. I was bedridden with tubes in my arm and my nose. Our baby was in the intensive care unit. The pediatrician adv ised us to not bother to see her. No need to bond with a baby you are going to lose. We were so naive. We believed him ! Later, I felt ashamed of falling for such a humanistic reasoning. Each day I braced myself for news that she had passed away. Then the morning came ~hen all my tubing was removed. I