Cedars, Spring 2021

Spring 2021 8 basement, and emotionally abused. Her first husband, the very person who was supposed to protect her, was responsible for causing her deep and agonizing pain. Samantha and Misty had also suffered abuse as children and teenagers. That is why, perhaps, the partners they chose were abusers. Because of their circumstances, Samantha and Misty didn’t know that they deserved more from the very people who should love them. Misty’s mother had been married multiple times and in and out of relationships. From the time Misty was six months old until she was 14, she suffered physical, sexual, and mental abuse. The treatment she suffered made her believe that the abuse she endured in her later relationships was normal. “Sometimes the abuse doesn’t look as bad as what you’re used to,” Misty said. “So, you think ‘Oh, this is good,’ but it’s really not.” Samantha’s life took a different path after her mother went through some health issues. Not only did Samantha suffer physical abuse from her mother, but also mental trauma. A mother is expected to tell her daughter that she loves her. In Samantha’s case, her mother told her that no one liked her. This mental shaping caused Samantha to blame herself rather than the person, George, who hurt her. “I really thought all this stuff was my fault. I thought if my mother was like that and he was like that, that pretty much it had to be me that made everybody feel this way,” Samantha said. Samantha was in a relationship with George for four years. She was engaged to him for three of those years. The abuse worsened throughout the relationship. He never wanted to set a date for the wedding. Meanwhile, she felt she was destined to stay in this relationship. She believed no one else would want her, that George was the best she could do. The abuse drove her crazy. It caused her to drink so that she could forget. “I was doing all I could to cling to that relationship, which sounds really stupid when a person’s abusing you,” Samantha said. “Not that I wanted to be with him, but I was always trying to be good enough that he would want to be with me.” Samantha felt trapped. Misty did too. When Misty married her second husband, William, she felt like life was better. He was not as physically abusive as her first husband, but he was controlling. She remained with him for 23 years. The situation was not good. One day, Misty asked William if he would help her with the cat’s litter box. This made him irate and he shovedMisty. This action, combined with the awful things he said, the shouting and the spitting in her face, pushed Misty over the edge. She left William, but she tried to return to him three times. It wasn’t easy to leave the life she had known for over two decades. “I was with him for so long that I developed what you call a trauma bond,” Misty said. “It’s where you form a bond within the trauma. So, it’s dysfunctional, yet it’s all you know.” After Misty returned to William, the situation worsened. He tightened his grip on her so she couldn’t escape again. The first day after she went back, she waited on the front porch for him to get home from work. Every day forward, he expected this same token. If Misty didn’t do this, it angered him. She couldn’t even shower alone or shut the door when she was going to the restroom. He had to have control over her every move. “I always said I felt like a bird in a cage,” Misty said. “Then when I left, I felt like the door “Poisonous relationships can alter our perception. You can spend many years thinking you’re worthless, but you’re not worthless, you are unappreciated.” Abusive and Toxic Relationships www.geckoandfly.com “The stupid thing that I did was I went back and talked to him. Once you’re out of it, never ever, ever, ever, ever go back.” 1-800-799-7233 National Domestic Violence Hotline