They connect with our identities themselves. They make us feel like there's someone in the world that understands the complexities of living like us, and they come without the pathetic, grimacing baggage that all of our real friends come with. They know us well because they are us, but we know them in generalities of speedballs (4) and through the occasional revealed vice. We know that they will not tell us we're getting fat. They will make a joke about it. We know that they will not like some of the same things we don't like. They will make a joke about it. We know that they will keep looking goofy, keep deprecating themselves, and keep slip– ping on that ubiquitous banana peel. They will make a joke. They are the least offensive people we've ever come in contact with. They are the complete and utter form of the sell-out. They are our lovers, the por– nographers of our darkest and most insecure thoughts. They will make a joke. They won't break it off before the anniversary because they are our mirror images. They make jokes. Notes 1. This point is provable not only by ratings, but also by common experience. Example: Dinner in a college cafeteria, anywhere. Student A comes to the tab.le with soup. Comments are made from Students B, C about the poor quality of the soup. In a misguided attempt at humor and an awkward attempt at defending his choice of entree, A yells, "No soup for you." Everyone "gets" it. Cold-warm hysterics ensue. 2. She is distracted by her cell phone, which produces a shrill "ca-ring" every time she gets a text message from one of her friends, none of whom I know. 3. "That's what she said!" season 2, episode 2. 4. Jim Belushi and Chris Farley died after overdosing on this mixture of heroine and cocaine. 38
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