28 her perfume tickled my senses, and the soft sound of her breaths so close to me blocked out everything else. “I know what it feels like,” James said again after about a minute, and I thought he had gone. “I lost Jenna three years ago, Alex. I understand your pain, that pain that never quite goes away. But you’ve been hiding for so long now, hiding from all of us who care about you, hiding from yourself. Please just open the door, Alex. You can talk to me, or we can just sit together but just… don’t keep pushing us away. Not anymore, you can’t keep going on alone like this.” But I wasn’t alone, not anymore. Eventually, his knocking stopped and I heard him leave, which was good. While I felt an initial pang of regret at sending him away, I knew deep down that if I had Ella, I didn’t need him either I didn’t need anyone. All I had to do was look into her eyes again and I’d know that I was home. I’m writing the details of my miracle out now at night as a plea. If anyone else out there has met the Dealer, I need to find a way to thank him. He gave me back my purpose, my joy, my light, and my love. Without Ella around, I suppose I had started to take even the fact that I was alive for granted. But he gave me a reason to live again, to smile again, and for that, I’m more grateful than written words can express. I’m tired now, and I feel a little faint, but my Ella is calling me to bed so I think I’ll stop writing here. My head still hurts a bit, but she says after a good night’s sleep, everything will be okay. And you know what? For the first time in four months, I believe that. Everything will be okay. I have my life back, and the Dealer hasn’t even asked for anything in return. Everything is going to be okay.
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