38 39 THE CEDARVILLE REVIEW and strung together ligaments. Theoretically, I should want to leave that still, sterile room and see what and who is out there beyond these boring white walls. But it seems to me that I will find an equally boring white hallway inhabited by purposeful nurses and the occasional scurrying doctor. I will stand out as one of their subjects that is passing through, un-belonging and only temporarily tethered to their domain by IV lines in my arm and a pulse ox monitor on my finger and the sickness that is constantly ebbing and flowing within me like the gray January ocean that churns only a couple miles away. I want to see that ocean, not rooms of sick kids surrounded by poisonous drugs and tired families and endless prayers. *** In World War I, chemical warfare agents like mustard gas caused the deaths of over 90,000 people. From the bodies of 75 autopsied soldiers, scientists found a common component in each: a decrease of white blood cells. Their research led Yale University to begin special investigations into chemical warfare agents during World War II. In 1943, U.S. Army doctors recorded a similar decrease of white blood cell counts in their patients from the German air raid on Bari, Italy. These studies led to the development of chlormethine, which became the first chemotherapy drug used to treat cancer. Between cancerous cells and mustard gas, the latter proves the victor, a poison even greater than the rapid invasion of haywire cells. Chemistry used to kill now saves lives. *** The nurses have unhooked me from the various lines that usually trap me in a tangled web, and I am walking with my dad in a small loop around the pediatric oncology ward. I am free, but I feel small and insubstantial. I am a wisp of a girl, an adult in the eyes of the government and yet still a fragile child. We walk and I think about how I was born at this hospital, 18 years ago, in that imposing black octagon building visible from the windows here. I think about my smallness, that I was helpless then and that I am helpless now. So much of my life I assumed was my doing, my striding around and commanding and organizing. Now I realize that we are all infants, flailing and fighting but completely vulnerable. God help us. *** Chlormethine has treated cancers such as Hodkin’s lymphoma, leukemia, and lung cancer for over 60 years. More recently, cyclophosphamide, a more stable derivative of mustard gas, has replaced chlormethine in treatment plans. The drug attacks rapidly dividing cells by compromising their RNA or DNA. It can also instigate apoptosis, cell suicide. Although cyclophosphamide effectively kills cancer cells, it simultaneously damages a patient’s blood cells,
RkJQdWJsaXNoZXIy MTM4ODY=