The Idea of an Essay, Volume 3

Narrative & Memoir 63 Cream-Colored Sticky Note Deborah Longenecker Deborah Longenecker is a junior keyboard pedagogy major. She grew up in Kuwait and enjoys learning how music intersects with other disciplines such as art, literature, history, and science. My wooden Ikea desk, thoroughly nicked and scratched as is proper for a “scratch and dent” buy, has witnessed much of my studies from elementary school to senior year of high school. It has withstood the drumming of nervous fingers waiting for inspiration. It has been massaged by a computer mouse skulking through social media sites. And buffered by a cream-colored sticky note, it has felt the touch of a pen scribbling a convicting reminder to its author: “Are you doing this for self or for love?” This little note captures the essence of the metamorphosis that God has wrought in my life. Throughout my years as a student, God has taught me much about integrity and motivation. Although I “prayed the prayer” at age four, my motivation for any semblance of Christian life was actually the pursuit of my own pleasure. I loved goodness because to me it meant good consequences, which meant happiness. My utilitarian attitude toward goodness logically resulted in impending catastrophe: if goodness and my own pleasure did not coincide, pleasure would dominate. Or in the words of that sticky note that I stuck to my computer monitor several years later, I would do things for self, not for the love of God. In early high school, I found that logging onto Facebook instead of doing homework for my online classes made me happy, so I ditched goodness and went straight for pleasure. Unfortunately, my personality also naturally includes a secretive streak. So not only did I routinely disobey my mom and log onto Facebook during school hours; I also developed nearly superhuman abilities for deception and covering up. Obviously this trap I had walked into compromised my integrity. To everyone but my family, I looked like a sweet, quiet,