The Idea of an Essay, Volume 4

40 The Idea of an Essay: Volume 4 severe depression and discouragement. The sudden lack of strength and confidence in his voice did more than just worry me; it frightened me. He had poured himself into God’s will for Angie and him; countless hours of prayer and counsel were behind him. The failure of the relationship would be a blow to many people, not just him. “I’m so sorry, Andrew. That’s ridiculous. How can there even be a relationship where there is no communication?” The answer: obvious. There cannot be. I grab a piece of paper and a pen and write three words: “drip drip drip”. My heart is breaking and I don’t understand why. I feel guilty; this pain is not my pain, but borrowed wounds, I write. I’m sorry. I ache because I love. And I love you. The phone call ends, and as I slowly take the phone away from my ear, a piece of my blurry life comes into sharp focus. The pain I feel isn’t wrong. Pain is what Andrew has always blocked for me; shielding me is how he loves me. The pain that tears through me like a knife now, separating my ribs and exposing my heart, is my clumsy attempt to block his pain; to love him in the way he has always loved me. I am willing to sit in a crab-filled dinghy to let him show his love, but I am more willing to get out of the boat and kick with him to show mine. Parried. Blocked.