The Idea of an Essay, Volume 4

52 The Idea of an Essay: Volume 4 Senior year was supposed to be the best year, but it wasn’t for me, not even close. I put my suitcase away and walked into the cold dark bus. After an emotional three days, it was finally time to leave. I was part of the Bellbrook High School marching band, and we had just finished performing. I sat in a seat alone looking out at Lucas Oil Stadium. A flood of tears welled up behind my eyes. My girlfriend had just broken up with me and said that we were no longer friends. We had dated for almost two months and had been close friends for over a year. We were such close friends, and I didn’t want to lose that. Looking out into the sea of people, I felt alone. I pressed my head against the cold glass of the window and looked out over the winter night. I saw friends laughing, couples holding hands, and people putting their stuff away. As I looked at all these people I could not shake the feeling of being alone. I put my headphones in and retreated into my thoughts. My thoughts raced across my mind: “what went wrong? I tried everything. I talked to her in the hotel lobby and I said all the right things, but she still toldme to leave her alone. Why is this happening? Why can’t I be happy? I just wanted to meet someone that I could be happy with. I wanted someone who would challenge me to be a better person. Someone who would fulfill me. I just wanted to find someone to love. I wanted to discover what love was. Was that too much to ask for? I just wanted a relationship to last. This was my fifth failed relationship. How could I screw up five relationships? I just don’t want to be alone anymore. I want this quest to find love to be over. I just want somebody to hold. I just want somebody to love. I just don’t want to be alone anymore. Why is God letting this happen? Where is God? Why won’t He provide the right girl? Why did He let me experience my anxiety? Why did He let all this happen? Does God even love me?” I snapped back to reality when the lights of the bus came on. I took my earbuds out and listened to attendance. Once announcements ended, the lights turned off. I put my headphones back in my ears and retreated back into my thoughts. The bus drove into the darkness of the winter night as I sat in my seat alone on a bus full of people. I gave up on high school relationships and decided to wait until college. The summer was over, and I was excited to begin a new chapter in my life. The first week at Cedarville University changed