Inspire, Fall 2004

24 Fall 2004 Rhonda “I remember my concern and doubt when I considered my son being an only child in his newly adopted family. The doubt returned later when I learned that the adoptive parents now had two more biological children. Would my child be treated fairly?” • When the baby is born, the birth mother must buck against that God-given instinct to mother and protect. There is an emotional and physical bonding that must become temporary. At the same time, there is a rush of hormones intended to support God’s design. • Last moments and goodbyes before the baby is placed in the care of his or her new parents are important and usually planned carefully and lovingly. But, these are usually painful moments for the birth mother. • Then there are various requirements by state, such as a waiting period of three days before the birth mom can sign over her parental rights. Even after parental rights are signed away, most states allow additional days in which the birth mother can rescind her decision, and often an additional court notification or appearance is required. At any of these points, many of us would run from our commitment to place the baby. We’d stop the process, numb the pain of separation, and grab for the security and love offered at the moment. Those experienced in the adoption process know that if a birth mother is to make it through all of these pressure points and be healthy in the years to come, she will need support and a full understanding of both adoption and parenting alternatives. A birth mother must also be coached and prepared for the grief process that follows placement — a process much like experiencing the death of a child or loved one. Carissa “Holidays were hard, but every month it got a little easier.” Rhonda “I had some ups and downs. Things are great now, but I was in a fog for the first few years — I didn’t connect with the help I needed to process and heal.” What is the life desired for the child? Is the decision to place based on facts or fears? As the years go by, a birth mom’s emotional health depends on her ability to look back on her decision with confidence, ownership, and peace rather than guilt or regret. While each adoption is a special story of God’s work in the lives of people, birth mothers who carefully and purposefully place their children for adoption should be supported and affirmed. They have sacrificed for their child from a heart of love! They are truly courageous. Carissa’s and Rhonda’s sons are now three years old and ten years old, respectively, and are happily growing in their adoptive families. Mark is the executive director of Ruth Harbor, a Christ-centered home and program for young women facing unplanned pregnancies. Counselors and staff assist residents in thinking through the all-important question of parenting or placing. For information about Ruth Harbor, call 515-279-4661 or visit www.ruthharbor.org . An Open Letter b y M a u r e e n Z i e l i n s k i S t i r s m a n ’ 5 8 Dear Other Mother, On the birthday of our child, yours and ours, we pray for you. We want you to know you did the right thing. You probably cry on this day and remember the year that you carried her in your body. You remember the morning sickness and the tears. You may have held the little infant girl. Perhaps you never saw her again. Just know I care. I care about what you suffered and your enormous love to say “no” to abortion and make the choice you did. I just want you to know we are ever so thankful, Tom and I, for the wondrous gift you gave to us, the privilege to raise our daughter and watch her grow into a beautiful, loving, generous human being. I want you to know Jesus as your Savior. I want you to be happy with the life you have chosen and not look back. It has been many years since the decision you made, the decision that changed your life and ours. God was in it! Be happy, other mother. You did the right thing. I love you, Maureen