Inspire, Fall 2004

26 Fall 2004 What would it be like if you were Kelly? Kelly, now 17, was adopted as an infant. Of course, everyone knew it but Kelly. One afternoon at a family reunion she sat dumbfounded when her cousin asked her what it felt like to be adopted. Kelly, shell- shocked, quietly whispered, “Fine,” and quickly got up to find her parents. Why hadn’t they told her? What would it be like if you were Jordan? Jordan, age 8, knew he was adopted, but he didn’t know why. The truth was, his birth mother loved him very much, but as a young teen she was unequipped to raise Jordan to adulthood. Jordan’s adoptive parents knew the whole story, but they assumed that the less said, the better for everyone. The only problem was that Jordan was left believing there was something “wrong” with him, that he had been unlovable from birth. Why didn’t his adoptive parents realize the complex feelings their son was battling? From a historical perspective, adoption has loomed under the cloak of secrecy for decades. Adoption practitioners believed it would be best to create a new world for all those involved in the adoption circumstance. This world would be a place in which adopted persons were told to forget the past, as though it did not exist; adoptive parents were told to create a new reality and were given freedom to exist in total anonymity; and birth parents were shoved aside and told to erase the present events from their memories. Many individuals who grew up as foster or adopted children during those decades felt that they were reared under the shadow of secrecy, silence, and shame. It proved difficult for them to build their identities and feel secure when key aspects of their pasts were unknown, unimaginable, and even frightening. The task of communicating to a foster or adopted child about his or her past still challenges parents today. A recent research study of 288 adoptive families reported that fewer than 40 percent of the adoptive parents had given their adopted children all the information they had. More than 25 percent falsified or omitted information. The remaining families gave little or no information about the adoption and, in some cases, never told their child that he or she was adopted. The foster/adoptive family, through their child, becomes connected to the social problems that might have resulted in the adoption plan: alcoholism, drug addiction, teenage pregnancy, child abuse and neglect, mental illness, etc. Although some adoptions occur as the result of birth parents who were simply not emotionally or financially able to care for their child, a majority happen because of traumatic or difficult life circumstances. Because of that potential connection to troublesome experiences, foster and adoptive parents have a crucial responsibility to communicate the circumstances of their child’s past in a manner that will lead to understanding, resolution, and healing. What do parents need to know about communicating to their child about adoption? Five Principles of Telling 1. Initiate conversation about adoption. Begin early. One benefit of communicating about adoption in the early years is for the parents to become comfortable about adoption as the way they are building a family. Some believe they should wait until the child asks questions and answer only the questions asked by the child. Some children may never ask. Why? Children often believe that they are being disloyal to the adoptive family when they have feelings and questions about the birth family. As a result, they may avoid conversation about the adoption and the birth family even when they have burdensome questions or troubling feelings. Adoptive parents must look for opportunities to raise the issue of adoption and ask the child for questions. In this way, the adoptive parents assure the child that his or her feelings are normal and expected, and they, as parents, do not feel threatened or believe that the child is disloyal. 2. Use positive adoption language. When parents talk with their children, friends, and extended family members, they must model positive adoption terminology. If parents are not aware of their language, they may inadvertently connote negative ideas when they talk about the birth parents, history, or about adoption itself. In the chart on the next page are some excellent examples of both positive and negative adoption terminology (used with the permission of the Infant Adoption Awareness Training Program, a training program of the National Council For Adoption). 3. Never lie to a child about the past or a birth family member. Lying about a child’s birth parents or history generates serious trust fissures. When the truth is revealed in the future due to a search, a slip by either the adoptive parent or extended family, or an accidental discovery of adoption-related documents, a serious rift in the parent/child relationship occurs — a rift which is difficult to repair with an apology or explanation. What began as “protection” of the relationship with the adopted child can become a “termination” of trust and intimacy in that relationship. 4. Omissions are OK until around the age of 12. After that, all information should be shared. The complete history may be too complicated or too “adult” to share with a toddler or even a school-aged child. However, as a child nears the teen years, it is Talking to Children About Adoption b y J a y n e E b e r l i n g S c h o o l e r ’ 7 4