Inspire, Fall 2004

Inspire 27 through by saying, “This was the adoption that made up for all of the difficulties we’d had previously.” Paul and Laurie reside in New Philadelphia, Ohio with Hollyann (4) and Jayden (2). Paul is an editorial director at Barbour Publishing, while Laurie is a stay-at-home mom. They may be contacted at pmuckley@barbourbook.com . birth mom, who always kept a certain distance, Jessica and her family enjoy seeing Jayden and knowing that he’s doing well. We maintain regular communication with them. As they make the most of a difficult situation, we try to accommodate them in any way that helps them deal with adopting out Jayden.” Paul summarizes the blessing of Jayden and the trials they went important that they move into those years with an understanding of why the adoption happened. Almost all teenagers, unless developmentally delayed, have the cognitive skills and sophistication to know all of their histories. In response to the question “What do you say to an adopted teenager?” the answer is “Everything.” Adopted people deserve to hear all the facts, all the information that concerns their own lives, all of their own histories. In other words, an adopted person deserves to know his or her story. So if, for whatever reason, the full story has not yet been told during childhood, it should be told very early in adolescence (Taken from Randolph Severson’s article “Talking to Your Adopted Adolescent About Adoption;” published in A Collection of the Best Articles on Talking with Kids About Adoption by Best of PACT Press). 5. Don’t impose value judgments on the information. Information about a child’s history may seem very negative, even horrific, to adoptive parents or social workers, but may be interpreted quite differently by the child. As stated earlier, information about a child’s history should never be changed or given to an older child with significant omissions. Facts must be presented, however, without the overlay of values, and without judgment. The child’s feelings for or memories of the birth family may alter his or her perceptions of events. His or her need to have positive feelings for the birth family will definitely color his or her perceptions. If facts are presented in a negative, judgmental fashion, the child interprets this judgment as the adoptive family rejecting his or her birth family, origins, and, ultimately, him or herself. We do not have the right to judge birth parents; understanding comes from “witnessing” without judgment or censure. Children must develop the maturity to do the same, and this “understanding without judgment” must be modeled for them by the people most important to them: their parents. These are just five principles for talking with children about adoption. Additional principles and insights can be found in Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child , which I co-authored. Jayne Eberling Schooler ’74 passionately supports foster and adoptive families through education and training. She conducts workshops on adoption, foster care, and family life issues across the country. She is the author of five books in the field, including “Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past,” from which this article was adapted. Her most recent book, to be released in October, is titled, “Mom and Dad, I’m Pregnant: When Your Daughter or Son Faces an Unplanned Pregnancy.” This book is written from the Schoolers’ personal journey. Jayne shares in the pastoral ministry with her husband, David, in Dayton, Ohio. She can be reached at jayeschool@aol.com . Her Web site is www.jayneschool.com . Inaccurate Language Accurate Language Real parent, Natural parent Birth parent Own child, real child, natural child Birth child Adopted child, Own child My child Giving away, Giving up your child Choosing an adoption plan Putting your child up for adoption Finding a family to parent your child Keeping your baby Deciding to parent the child Adoptee Person/Individual who was adopted To keep To parent Adoptable child, Available child Child in need of a family Adoptive parent Parent Foreign adoption International or inter-country adoption Adoption triangle Adoption triad Handicapped child, hard to place Child who has special needs Foreign child Child from another country Is adopted Was adopted Blood relative Birth relative Closed Confidential Winners Never Quit (continued)