Inspire, Summer 2002

Lori Smith ’93 Lori Smith ’93 C hurch-going as a single can be difficult. You don’t fit in with the dominant marriage-and-family culture that surrounds you with marriage conferences, vacation Bible school, and sweetheart banquets. And, because many of the people in church leadership married young, they often don’t understand the struggle to find contentment year after year in a life you didn’t choose, or to fight sexual temptation at 35 or 40, long after most church attendees married. Julia Duin recently wrote an article for BreakPoint Online ( http://www.pfmonline.net/features.taf?ID=138) about singles leaving the church en masse after encountering a host of problems. For instance, singles have been told they would be married if they were in God’s will. They’ve also been encouraged to forget about sexual frustrations—since they are over 40 and unmarried they obviously have the gift of singleness (regardless of the fact that they never sensed this calling). Some singles have waited in vain for singles issues to be addressed from the pulpit. Among my single friends, most are still attending church, but jump from place to place to get their needs met. They split their Sunday morning attendance between a few churches, go to a separate Sunday-evening singles event, and have a Bible study affiliated with yet another group. It seems that without the motivation marriage and kids provide, there’s little incentive to settle down and commit to one congregation. Census data shows that 40 percent of the adult population is single and that the single segment is rapidly growing, yet singles are under-represented in church. To some extent, this may be due to our single, lack-of-commitment culture. In every area of life, we are free to follow our whims, change our minds at the last minute, and wait to see if we get a better offer. But Duin’s criticisms of the church also ring true. You’d be hard-pressed to find a single Christian who has not been put in an awkward situation due to his or her singleness or at times been made to feel less of a Christian because he or she is single. The worst theory—albeit a seemingly popular one—is that single Christians just have more to learn before God will be able to pair them up (“God wants you to be completely content in Him before you marry.”) Another harmful assurance from the well-meaning is “God has someone for you,” encouraging us to have faith in a promise God never made and to put our hopes in something that may not come. How can you make singles feel at home? Here are a few ideas: Accept them. Accept singles as equals. God calls some to be single for a period of time, some for a lifetime. Singleness is a good part of God’s plan, not a sign of weakness or immaturity. Welcome their involvement. Some singles tell me they’re not allowed to teach or be involved in church leadership because they aren’t married. Many early church leaders were single, and Paul extols the benefits of singleness in serving God. God has a purpose for the singles in your church and has given each of them unique gifts. Encourage them to use them. Listen to their needs. Some of the things singles need to talk about will make you uncomfortable. They’re facing sexual temptation. Maybe they’ve given in. They may be painfully lonely. They may believe that God has given up on them. They need to know that there’s someone in leadership who will listen empathetically and guide them. Pray for them. One woman wrote, “What would happen if there were prayer groups for singles who long to be married? I’ve even Finding a Place in Church heard of couples who meet with church leadership for them to be anointed with oil for God’s blessing to open their wombs and allow them to conceive. When was the last time you heard of a church who held a prayer vigil for singles ?” Not every single would welcome prayers for their marriage, but many want to ask for prayer and don’t know whom to ask. They don’t believe that this issue is taken as seriously as infertility or illness or other challenges we face. Consider starting a singles ministry or Bible study. Some singles (myself included) feel more comfortable worshipping and studying with a mixed group of singles and married couples, but in some situations a singles group provides a welcome reprieve from family-centered church life. Speak truthfully about the Christian life. For two years, I’ve written about the issues singles face— loneliness, contentment, accepting God’s will, shattered dreams, learning to see the blessings you’ve been given. I’ve found that these issues don’t just pertain to singles—all of us deal with them. I wonder if the reason singles feel their needs aren’t addressed from the pulpit is that we often avoid these difficult aspects of the Christian life. You serve God wholeheartedly, yet he seems to withhold blessing. A marriage or a friendship cracks, and you are unbearably lonely. You wonder what God is doing with your life. Share your own struggles, and you’ll connect with more than just the singles in your audience. Lori Smith ’93 lives in northern Virginia, where she is a vice president with Crosswalk.com. She manages Crosswalk’s e-mail business, with 35 newsletters (from daily devotions to news and movie reviews) and more than 16 million e-mails sent each month. She writes regular articles for Crosswalk on the topic of singleness. Her writing has also appeared in “Today’s Christian Woman” and “Christian Single” magazine. Lori frequently speaks about singleness at retreats, prayer breakfasts, and singles events. She can be reached at lsmith@crosswalk.com . What to Say to Your Single Friends H ow can you encourage your single friends? It all boils down to one basic biblical principle: Speak the truth in love. Here are a few specifics: Don’t • Ask them why they’re not married yet. • Offer to set them up with someone (if they want you to do that, they’ll ask). • Treat them as though they haven’t yet arrived or as if they need someone else to be completed. • Tell them they need to do something or become someone else in order to earn the blessing of marriage (i.e. “If you were really content then God would bring you a husband. God didn’t bring me a husband until I was totally content with being single.”) • Exclude them from activities because they’re single. Do • Ask them about their work and their activities. • Be honest with them about the struggles and joys of married life. • Celebrate their unique opportunities with them. • Tell them what you miss about being single and what you would do if you could. • Remind them that they are blessed and right where God wants them to be. • Affirm the fact that God will do something good with their life—married or not. • Challenge them (if you know them well enough) to think about what they want their life to be like if they never get married. • Sympathize with them, but don’t let them wallow in self-pity; hold them accountable. • Make time for them. Inspire 21 20 Summer 2002 Lori’s upcoming book, The Single Truth , published by Destiny Image, will be in bookstores in October or can be pre-ordered now from Amazon.com. The book, which is an outgrowth of her own quest to be at peace with singleness, offers God’s liberating truths about singleness, challenging singles to live a full life and see their singleness as part of God’s good plan. Lori explained, “I started writing [ The Single Truth ] a couple years ago, frustrated with the lies about being single that seemed to pervade the Christian culture. … While no one really denigrated my single position to my face, I had the uncomfortable suspicion that somehow I was less valuable to God because I was single—I had messed up somehow, missed His ideal plan for my life. I felt somehow ... ashamed. And I felt stuck. So I set out to find the truth.” Preview three chapters from the book and read her articles at http://www.thesingletruth.org . The Single Truth