Torch, Spring 1993

New job, new town, new and fragile relationships, new start- tarnished by the diagnosis from a shaken surgeon in the recovery room. "I'm sorry but you have cancer. I don't know what else to say and I don't have any more information, but I will see you in my office on Monday." "Okay," I numbly responded. The calmness in my mind was strange, almost spooky. "Don't tell my mom out there in the hallway by herself. She's alone; bring her in here so she can see that I am all right." I managed to think clearly enough to get out the words. "You'd better find a chair for my mom, if you don't want to be picking her up off the floor." I was now directing the nurse through my anesthetic-fogged thoughts. "How are you?" I've been asked a thousand times in the last year and a half. I'm fine and I'm terrible. My spirit is fine but my body is really struggling. I have learned that joy is more than putting on a happy face and ignoring the realities of your situation. Joy is a choice of the heart. Joy is a by-product, not something you work to get. You know when you have it, but you rarely know where it came from or how you got it. "The emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good" is Webster '.s- definition of joy. There is not much good, at first glance, about knowing you have cancer. Plenty of emotion is excited, but not much of it is triggered by the acquisition or expectation of good. Tests, surgeons, second opinions, medical jargon, side effects, waiting, waiting, waiting, and more waiting all become the order of the day. So where is the joy and why am I telling you all this? My joy has been tested in the last year and a half like never before in my life. Questions go around and around in my head: Can I still laugh? Can I still be joyful amidst the consequences? Do I just grin and bear it silently? Should I save my crying for private times when no one is looking? Is that joy or is that pretending? Have I lost my joy if I feel the loss this diagnosis anticipates? Am I a weak Christian because the hardness of everyday life gets me down? I agree with Paul that the answer is NO! As Paul writes to the Philippians, he is facing hard times. Those who took advantage of his hardship to advance the gospel, just to make him feel badly, could have discouraged him even more than the prison cell. Paul had been abandoned by friends and coworkers. Yet he says "go ahead and bring me joy!"- by being unified, by thinking alike as believers, by loving each other, by acting as though there were one spirit between you, by being riveted together in one purpose (Philippians 2:1-4). Paul's joy comes primarily from the walk of the believers-their progress and joy in the faith. Humanly speaking, Paul desires to die. In the midst of severe circumstances, he finds joy in thinking about how his life will be a continuing source of consolation for the Philippians. He vacillates between wanting to die and preferring to live to give them joy. Dying and living- an interesting set of partners in our modern way of thinking about joy. Harmony, humility, unselfishness- these are the keys to joy for Paul as he communicates with the Philippian believers. But surely we shouldn 't rely on people to bring us joy? They are so fickle and change so fast! Right and wrong. While Philippian people such as Epaphroditus, Timothy, and Clement gave Paul joy, others, such as Euodia and Syntyche (or Odious and Soon Touchy, as some refer to them), disturbed his joy just as tangibly. People brought joy to Paul 's situation when they were living and acting like their God. We, too, can be vessels of joy as we reflect the mind and attitude of the Lord to others around us. And He is the ultimate source of joy. Can you have joy through pain? Laugh, cry, be real, feel your pain. You can do all of these things and still have joy. Joy isn't a status of the face, it is a status of the heart. Joy as used in Philippians is a cheerfulness that comes from being calm. With God at the controls of your life, you can be calm no matter what you feel like. Evidently the early church used "Rejoice! " as a salutation which meant they were happy or well off. They used their salutation when meeting or parting to remind each other of their reason to sense that they were well off, even when their circumstances would make it seem otherwise. God brings joy to my life. And I often encounter His reflection in Christian friends who take time to call or write or send a message with another friend. Knowing that people are praying for me brings joy. Believers who reflect Christ and hug me with their words or deeds bring joy. People with whom I have shared when they were weak or struggling and who are now mature enough to meet my need bring joy. Being able to minister to others through my pain brings inexpressible joy because my focus is outward and not inward. When your name comes up, do people smile or wince? Do you bring joy to those in your life, or pain? Are you living in unity with your brothers and sisters in Christ? Are you demonstrating your love for others? Are you acting like your Torch 11