Torch, Summer 1978

r whi ch are a must for a healthy relationship. I would like to suggest seven such ingredien ts that will enable you to relate more fully to your child. SATISFACTION The first is satisfacti on . Are you satisfied with your child's make– up?- with what your ch ild is all about? Are you satisfied w ith your child's personality? His intellect? Legend has it that you were quite a scholar- most al l A's. Bu t your child is getting B's and C's. Of course, all of your report cards were destroyed in the fl ood, but the legend continues. What abou t your child's athleti c ability? You were the captain of every team– well co-captain of one team ! Now you have a child who can 't walk across the livi ng room w ithou t tripping. Being satisfied with you r ch il d is not building a monument to mediocrity, but being satisfied with your child right now. It's giv ing you r child the freedom to be himself. Are you satisfied with your child? Does your child know that? During a Maximum Parenthood Seminar I conducted in Tennessee, a coup le and their 9 year old took me to lunch. As we were riding to the restaurant, the mother sa id, "Johnny, you know that your daddy and I are satisfied w ith you, don 't you?" Johnny didn't move a muscle! Embarrassed by Johnny's lack of response, the father adjusted the rear-view mirror so that he could look directly into Johnny's face . He said, "Johnny, didn't you hear your mother? Don't you fee l that we are satisfied w ith you?" Still Johnny sat frozen in his tense expression . When we arrived at the restaurant, I excused myself and they had quite a family council meeting. The father's remark to me as they entered the restaurant said it all, "I don't t hink Johnny knows that we are satisfied with him!" COMMITMENT The second ing red ient for a relationship is comm itment. It's being committed to your child's interests, values, and opinions! A frustrated father came in for counsel ing concerning his "black sheep" son . "I know I must build a relationship with him, but it's so difficult. He's the black sheep of our family . Now he's involved in midget rac ing! What do you think I should do?" One of the first things I thought he shou ld do was to get involved in midget rac ing. H is response was as so many before him, "Isn't there another plan ?" So this sincere yet reluctant father immersed himself in midget racing . Within two to three months his son sold the midget racer and sh ifted his interests into something else he knew his dad didn't like! In effect he was saying by his actions, "Dad, you won a few poi nts there, but let's see how committed you really are!" This dad went t hrough three interest 11 leve ls before his son began to feel the message of commitment! Another facet of commitment in relationships is the valuing of opinions . You must draw out your child's opinions and value them. When I was in the third grade, my parents were making a decision to move from the farm into the city. They diligently involved me in the process of the decision. I felt I was a definite part of the family through the contribution of my valued opinion. (It never occurred to me that they could have out– voted me 2 to 1!) Again, when I was a junior in high school, my dad sold his business and had three options for a new vocation . He took me out of school to introduce me to the three prospective employers and settings. After each encounter he sought my opinion on whether he should take the job. What in the world does a 16 year old have to say about what would make his dad happy in a new vocation? Very little, but that doesn't make any difference! What does make the difference is that his parents encouraged and valued his opinions! TRANSPARENCY The third ingredient for a relationship is transparency . Another word for transparency is vulnerability! It's letting your child in on the fact that you have weaknesses as well as strengths– that you blow it too. Especially is this true when you have offended or wronged your child in some way . There are many obvious reasons that it is important to set an example for your child . However, there is a deeper, more significant reason you should let your child know when you blow it with him. The reason? He already knows you blew it! What he wants to know is if you know that you blew it! A physicist and his wife had just gotten their act together as a couple and decided it was the right time to bring their high school daughter home from