Torch, Summer 1989

Dear Miss Church Manners: Heaven help us! My husband and I are faithful church goers of the First Baptist Church of Decorum. We are always prompt and in our places in the eighth, middle pew, no matter when the first worshipful word of note is sung. And then, just after the offering is taken, the Smiths walk in with their six children- 15 to 20 minutes late every Sunday! To make matters worse, they always come and stand by our pew with their angelic little ten year old smiling and saying, "Excuse us , Mr. Jones " Why do they always choose our neighbor– hood-our pew, right in the middle aisle? What can we do to show them that coming to church late just isn 't good manners? They certainly aren ' t setting a good example for their children . Probably all of those children will grow up and act just like their parents. Dear Gentle Church Goer: Be thankful that they, too, can be faithful in attending church. Just think of those parents making the effort to get to church with their large family-and smiling at that! Why don't you invite them home for Sunday dinner? Then, during the meal, ask if you can come by and pick up some of the children for a McDonald's breakfast before Sunday school. This might allow some of the harried traffic at the Smiths' home to lessen and result in the rest of the family coming on time for the lla.m. service. Dear Miss Church Manners: My husband has this terrible watch that beeps and tweets at the half hour and on the hour. Everyone can hear it all over the church auditorium . Even I can, and I sit in the balcony. Last Sunday, the pastor was at this climactic point in his series on Ephesians 5, and Harold 's watch gave a double beep and tweet. What can I do to rid him of that watch or to rid that watch of hin1? Dear Gentle Balcony Dweller: Perhaps you should try this " give and take" suggestion: You will give up your seat in the balcony and sit by him in church if he will take that watch and send it to a missionary in the deepest part of Africa. Dear Miss Church Manners: I am sure that I am not the only Christian who sees this breech in etiquette. I just bet that you have hundreds of church goers who hate to see people walk into the service when someone is singing or playing a solo! Don't late corners know what those asterisks mean in the bulletin? Or is it that the ushers don 't know any better than to seat people during a "special number" ? Dear Gentle Soloist: Methinks they were just practicing the message of that old hymn, "Where he leads me, I will follow." May I suggest that some of you musi– cians meet with the head usher and discuss a solution to this etiquette problem. There shouldn't be anyone seated during those times of ministry. Dear Miss Church Manners: What can one do about a dear sister who insists upon caring for her beauty needs during church. Mary Doe does her nails during every Sunday evening service. The clippers she uses are big enough to use on a horse. After she finishes that little task, she blows on her hands , puts the equipment back into this little case, and manages to check her lipstick in the attached mirror before stowing everything away. I feel as though our row should stand up and rate her on a scale from l to 10 in this beauty exercise. Dear Gentle Judge: Give her an anonymous gift certificate for a set of artificial fingernails, and rate her a "10."