Torch, Summer 1990

I ·/ I ~----------------------------------____J ... I .1 Arnior for I j ') ·1 ·1 I I I I I I ·1 1 I I 1 / _ . / /../ This article is an excerpt from the book, I Never Promised You a Hot Tub by Doug Peterson. Copyright© 1987 by Doug Peterson. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. M orris looked the shopkeeper square in the eye. ''I'd like to buy a full suit of armor to protect me from the attack of temptations. " "And what size temptations do you hope to resist?" said the shopkeeper at Ridley 's Armor Shop. 'Tm expecting an extra-large one. I usually get only medium temptations. But my neighbor has been getting on my nerves lately, so I'm expecting an extra-large temptation to punch him in the nose." "Are you interested in any particular style of armor?" Morris pointed to the book in his hand. "This manual suggests that I put on the breastplate of righteousness. Do you have any of those?" "No, no, no! " the shopkeeper scoffed. "Breastplates of righteousness have been out of style for years. I have something much more in vogue." "More in vogue?" Morris said. "But isn't a breastplate of righteousness necessary to protect hearts? Doesn't that mean that when we ask God to 11111~11 ~o;j t-~<J . forgive us, we have a pure heart in His eyes?" "Where did you get that outdated manual?" said the shopkeeper, snatching the book from Morris 's hand and blowing dust from its cover. "What you want is our new line of designer T-shirts. " "Designer T-shirts?" "That's right, my friend. A breast– plate of righteousness may impress God, but designer T-shirts will impress your friends. Yes sir, this T-shirt is just for you!" Before Morris could respond, the shopkeeper handed him a T-shirt that was specially designed by the Interna– tional Fellowship of Conformists . It was emblazoned with the slogan, "I brake for peer pressure." The cash register rang like a bell , the sale was made, and the shopkeeper asked if Morris needed anything else. "Well, if you don't think I need a breastplate of righteousness , can't you at least sell me a shield of faith to fend off temptations?" Morris said. The shopkeeper gasped. "A shield of faith? Did I hear you correctly? My friend, do you realize how expensive a shield of faith is? Faith is a priceless item. You want something cheap and better suited to your budget, don ' t you?" "Well , I don't know if.. .." "I have just the thing. " The shop- Sale keeper rummaged through a desk drawer and pulled out a credit card. The card had a small handle attached to its back so that it looked like a mini– ature shield. "What kind of shield is that?" Morris exclaimed. "This is the most effective shield there is, my friend . Whenever you ' re tempted, simply pull out your charge card and tell Satan that you ' ll pay him anything if he ' ll just stop tempting you. Then hand him the credit card, and he'll agree to stop tempting you.. .for the time being. " Morris couldn ' t believe his ears. "You 're suggesting that I pay Satan to stop tempting me? Isn't that a little bit like selling your soul to the devil?" "Don ' t worry ," said the shopkeeper. "Satan takes all major credit cards." "But I don 't want to be in debt to Satan! " "Don't worry about that either. Satan will let you make payments on the installment plan, although I admit he does have high interest rates." Morris shook his head in confusion as the shopkeeper handed him a credit– card shield and rang up the sale. "Next," Morris said, "my manual suggests that I wear a helmet of salva– tion ." According to Morris, a helmet protects one 's head and mind. When we have the assurance of salvation, he said , our minds can bask in the freedom of knowing our futurJ is solidly with God. "But a helmet is so confining! " said the shopkeeper. "I suggest that you not wear a helmet at all. Be a free-thinking spirit and let the breezes of the world rush through your head." "No helmet? But what about a sword of the Spirit? Surely, you must agree that I can ' t face temptation without a sword of the Spirit to cut through the confusion and help me discern right from wrong." Again, the shopkeeper had a more fashionable suggestion. He said that