Torch, Winter 1983

continued from page 11 These might sound like impersonal and cold facts , but as I reflect back on these dates and the days and months that followed my becoming a single parent, many different emotions grip me . I remember a period of tremendous upheaval in our family. Yet , I also remember a wonderful peace in the knowledge that the Lord is good, a stronghold in the day oftrouble; and He knoweth them that trust in Him. At first, feelings of hurt flo0ded my being, not just because I had been rejected by the one I loved , but because my children also felt this rejection. I recall all too vividly the nights when they literally cried themselves to sleep. It hurt me so much when I realized that my two young children had to face life without a mother. Another emotion I felt was fear. How could I cope with the many details of family life? I had never had to deal with these on a daily basis. Cooking, laundry , shopping, sewing, taxi for piano lessons - suddenly these were no longer normal events. They were major problems. I wondered about the health of my children. What happens if one of the children becomes ill? Do you leave a sick child at home alone while you ' re at work? My fearful mind was asking so many questions to which there seemed to be no simple answers. Particularly real to me was the feeling of shame and disgrace . I felt that I had failed as a husband. I believed that marriage was a lifetime commitment. Now I found it most difficult to accept the fact that this belief and the stark reality of my situation were in sharp conflict. I felt that I had brought shame upon the name of Christ - another Christian marriage was now going in the direction contrary to God 's intention for marriage. Also, there were feelings of embarrassment that both my children and I experienced . They found it embarrassing to bring friends home and find Dad in the kitchen preparing dinner or on his knees scrubbing the floors. It was embarrassing to turn in the school emergency health cards and leave blank the line asking for the phone number where mother could be reached in case illness occurred at school. When the Home and School Association calls and asks that Mom make two dozen cookies for a bake sale, what do your children say? Loneliness was such a difficult feeling with which to deal. When a man has shared his feelings with someone for seventeen years and then that someone is no longer there, he should expect loneliness. Even though I expected it, I found it much deeper and more agonizing than I ever thought possible. The most dangerous feelings with which I had to deal were anger and bitterness. The anger was real , and understandable. But the bitterness that followed could have totally destroyed me as a person . Then God used His people, the church , to focus my mind on Him and off those to whom this bitterness was being vented. The first Sunday after my wife left home, it was most difficult to prepare myself for church. I didn't want to meet people . I didn't know what to expect from them , and I wasn't sure if I could handle church emotionally. But God had gone before me, preparing a pathway for me to follow . The first step down this pathway, on this critical Sunday in my life , was a Sunday school class. It was beginning a new topic: The Attributes of God. It helped me to immediately focus my mind onto God and off myself. I so well remember the class, the quietness of it as we were led into God's Word, as we meditated on a few specific verses, and as we praised God through prayer. On this first Sunday I wrestled with the question: do I really believe that God is sovereign? If I do believe this, how should it affect my life? My attitudes? What about bitterness? God used this class to work in my life in a new way, correcting me , teaching me , and leading me. The second step along this pathway was a loving church pastored by a man of God. For so many years Pastor has been faithful in opening God ' s Word and leading us through it in his own quiet , worshipful way of study. The people were well taught, and they were sensitive to the needs of others. I could see that people genuinely hurt because I hurt. When I sat by myself in church, lonely and feeling sorry for myself, some dear friends would quietly slip in beside me. They prayed for me , but they also spent time with me , supported me, and loved me. They weren't overbearing or judgmental. These people knew my needs. Often I would find loaves of homemade bread at my door upon arriving home from work. Meals would be brought in . We'd be invited out for dinner. Women would slip simple recipes into my hand. A dear friend would help me with the task of sewing hems in my daughter's dresses and skirts. Others were there to encourage. The church was meeting some very practical needs of my life. Along this pathway were people who were willing to give of themselves to help meet certain needs of my children. How well I remember seeing my son's Sunday school teacher sitting in his car waiting for my son to arrive home from school so that they could spend a few minutes together. The Pal-Gal concept of Pioneer Girls was more than just an idealistic concept. It became a working reality. My daughter 's pal would meet her , take her shopping or out for ice cream, listen to her needs, and would counsel and advise her. Today my daughter looks with a special fondness and love upon this woman. She is still her special pal! The church accepted me. They didn't treat me as a castaway because I was going through the hurts of a divorce . Having helped me so much, they eventually allowed me to give back just a small amount by asking me to teach the fourth grade Sunday school class. What a blessing to be able to take an active part in the church again and not be relegated to the role of a bystander because of an unwanted divorce. Six years have gone by. As a single parent I still have many needs . Many of my feelings have changed. Some haven't. But my church is still loving and caring . D 15