Torch, Winter 1990

family experiences to see how they would affect our new family. We examined our immediate families , decided what we liked, then determined to implement these positives into a solid base. Tim: My father 's death when I was young affected my family deeply. To fill in the space left by the loss , we always showed deep appreciation and love for each other. We had a very strong support system, some– thing that I desire to be a fundamen– tal element in the foundation of our new family. Amy: It really amazes me to realize the full impact my family has had on me - the person I am today. The way I reason , express myself, work, prioritize, and relax all seem to stem from experiences within my family . Much of this is a result of Mom and Dad spending priority time with us, something I keep in my heart as a goal for our family . Tim: It is tough at times to imagine living up to what my mom and step/ather are like and creating a household like they have. When I start feeling overwhelmed, I must realize that God does not expect that of us right now. He only wants us to trust Him to make us mature and to help us keep the correct perspective on the family. Amy: We were able to incorporate Steve Green' s song, "Find Us Faithful," into our wedding cere– mony as a tribute to our parents. It is difficult to comprehend following in the footsteps of people I admire and respect so . However, I have begun to pray this prayer (that those who come behind us find us faithful) for Tim and me as well, realizing it is God who masterplans and I am merely the tool He may use. The foundation for our future family was strengthened during our time at Cedarville College. Dr. Dixon's series on the family and messages from other chapel speakers contributed important concepts to our emerging foundation. Spending time with the families of professors and other college personnel added much for our consideration. Tim: During my Cedarville experi– ence I was able to observe families of professors and friends that were very different from my own family but were still serving the Lord. Amy: At Cedarville , far away from my own family, I became very close to some families in the "college family ." It was a great opportunity to see their style and how they handled different situations. I gleaned new ideas for ministry and for family life apart from my own family experience, sort of like shopping around for that special item rather than settling for selec– tions from one store. Through these experiences we discovered that each family has a unique design in its relationship with God. He did not want our new family to be a clone of our immediate families, but a brand new establishment. Once we had blueprints and a foundation , we were able to move into the building process--our part. Just as building the structure of a house takes a lot of time and work, so does the building of a family. At first one might think all this time and work must go into the couple's relationship to each other. However, while this is important, it is not the most important. Through extensive reading before our marriage, we discovered the concept which has strengthened the building of our family: before intimacy begins within a family or even with one's life partner, it must first start with oneself. This is definitely the most important thing to be worked on before we ever can expect to build a successful mar– riage and family . We work to build intimacy with God and in the process come to accept and understand our– selves. Only then can we begin to accept and understand others and work on the structure of the family. Tim: I remember one time when I asked my stepbrother Mark about being married and having a family . He said, ''Tim , when I got married I discovered that I was a very selfish person. But after we had our first child, I found that I was even more selfish than I had ever imagined." Mark' s words often have made me take an honest look at myself. When things are tough in our family , I try to look inside to determine where I really am coming from to see if it is motivated by my own selfishness. Amy: During my second year in college I was very involved in ministry activities and really enjoyed these opportunities. But I found myself coming back to the dorm , feeling very alone . I cried to the Lord to become my best friend, and He used this opportunity to show me many things about myself, both positive and negative. He taught me to see myself the way He created me. As we face growing times in our marriage, I am constantly forced back to this lesson to take an honest look at me before examining us. We feel as if we are still in the structural stage of our family and are gradually moving into the final stage. This stage is the lifelong process of finishing touches. During this stage new rooms will be added (children), some older rooms repainted, and new trim nailed up. In this finishing phase we might need to repair damaged areas of the family which we have messed up through our own carelessness. We realize that it took many years of work, love, and devotion to God on the part of the families we came from to arrive at the point they are now. We understand that building our new Christian family demands this same work, love, and devotion to God. We also realize that our family will not be beautiful all the time, but if we follow the blueprints and hold on to the foundation , in the end we will have built a home that pleases the Lord, the Master Builder. • Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it . ... Psalm 127:la