The Idea of an Essay, Volume 4

Narrative & Memoir 51 life became simple. My only goal was to make the anxiety stop. We made it to the hospital and got admitted. I laid on the hard rubber of the bed feeling trapped in the small room. My mom reached over and grabbed my hand and gave me a reassuring smile. My father and sister finally arrived at the hospital to see what was happening. I said with a shaking voice, “I don’t know, just make it stop.” The doctors came back and told us there was nothing physically wrong with me. They did not know what was going on and told us we should see a mental health doctor. My family began to make desperate attempts to make this pain go away. My sister tried quoting scripture, but it didn’t get rid of the feeling. Then my dad started reading a Christian book. He read it out loud for several minutes. I did not understand what he was saying, but it calmed me down. The steady, deep voice of my father soothed my thoughts, and I felt less alone. After an agonizing three hours, the fear receded and left me feeling defeated and scared. I later discovered that what I had experienced at the movie theatre was a panic attack. The doctors eventually diagnosed me with a panic disorder and prescribed me medicine to lessen the strength of the anxiety, so I could get to the point of controlling it. I was desperate to find this point and stop the anxiety from ever coming back. My dad pointed me to God and told me He was allowing this stuff to happen to drawme to Him.Through these experiences, I started to look to God in order to get rid of the attacks. I was baptized a fewmonths after my first panic attack and I began to run after Jesus Christ. A couple years after I was baptized, an intense panic attack about my faith shook my heart. It sparked a fire in my heart, and then I pursued God with a renewed passion. Then at the start of my junior year of high school, my panic attacks left. The fear that attacked my mind had been defeated, leaving me with deep emotional scars and a feeling of emptiness. Once the anxiety left, I walked away from my pursuit of God and, my goal was to keep it from ever coming back. I realized that love is a very powerful emotion. If I could find love, then the panic attacks would never come back. This was when I started my quest to find what love truly is. It was my senior year of high school. Every year the Bellbrook High School marching band competes at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indiana in the Bands of America Grand National Championship.