Torch, Fall 1992

interpersonal conflicts between Joseph and his brothers, David and his king, and Paul and his missionary friend Barnabas. Scripture does not condone interpersonal conflict but it certainly talks about it. Even though Paul encouraged us to live at peace with all men, he was careful to qualify that injunction with the phrase, "if it be possible" (Romans 12: 18). Scripture indicates that it is the Christian's responsibility to address interpersonal conflict. Matthew said that reconciliation with a brother is so important that it should precede offering a gift to God (Matthew 5:24). The biblical principle of addressing a conflict with a Christian is just as true with a non– Christian. Fear and uncertainty in the believer's heart are used by Satan to discourage attempts at resolving conflict. But we should join with Paul who prayed for courage and wisdom in his dealings with others (Ephesians 6:19-20) . While resolving the conflict, totally getting rid of it, is the desired outcome, it usually occurs as a secondary result of learning to manage the conflict. Conflict Should Be Managed Conflict management is accomplished through identifying the problem and responding to it biblically. This may not be as simple as it sounds. Persons in conflict seldom find it easy to identify accurately the cause of the conflict. One common source of interpersonal conflict can be titled interpretation of events. Conflict participants tend to be prisoners of their own perspective. "I know what happened! I heard her say it!" However, the verbal message is usually only a small part of the total message. Bob, a Christian, finds his coworker Linda, a non-Christian, to be a very difficult person. He feels her rudeness, sarcasm, and attack of his work is prompted by her dislike for Christians. He is not happy in his work and feels that he is suffering for his faith . While it is true that Linda does not like Bob, her dislike is based on her feeling that Bob spends more time talking about religion than doing his work. Linda feels that Bob is a good employee but could be an excellent one if he would get his priorities in order. She also is wary of religious fanatics due to a bad childhood experience with a cult. Linda is trying to get Bob to improve his work quality through teasing him about his work. Bob interprets her actions as hostile, and he believes that the only way to solve their conflict is for Linda to become a Christian. So, he takes every opportunity to talk about God, but every time he brings up the subject, Linda becomes more angry. Bob and Linda clearly are locked in a lose-lose situation. To manage this conflict, Bob must expand his perception of the problem. Neither Bob nor Linda knows where the other is coming from. Bob assumes Linda is hostile to the gospel, and Linda assumes Bob is a religious fanatic who is not interested in giving his best to his job. They both want the other person to change behavior but they do not know how to get that message across. In his best selling book, Seven Habits ofHighly Effective People, Stephen Covey states, "If you want to interact effectively with me, to influence me-your spouse, your child, your neighbor, your boss, your coworker, your friend- you first have to understand me." Bob should make the time to say to Linda, "An important part of my job is working with you. What can I do to help us work together better?" Hopefully, Linda will be honest with him and explain her distrust of religion as well as her desire for Bob to reach his full potential at work. Bob 's decision to increase his work level and refocus his testimony may provide the only way to ever reach Linda. Only as Bob learns to manage his conflict will he ever be able to resolve it. And, if Linda continues to resist Bob and his ideas no matter what changes he makes, Bob should implement a conflict management program. Jesus provides this when he said; "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you" (Luke 6:27-28). This is God's formula for controlling the personal pain that can rise out of an interpersonal conflict. Even if the conflict is not resolved, management of it allows the involved Christian to respond to it biblically, continuously praying, and working for the healing power of the Holy Spirit. In his book, Coping with Difficult People, Dr. Robert Bramson states, "Effective coping.. .is the sum of those actions that you can take to right the power balance, to minimize the impact of others' difficult behavior." The Christian can emotionally right the power balance only through love. Jesus told His disciples that the best way to remove the power of discouragement from their enemies was to treat them as friends. The text reveals that this love is to be manifested in outward actions and personal prayer. Conflict Can Be Beneficial Nationally known speaker Kay Waldo Cronkite believes that understanding our interpersonal conflicts will help us know ourselves. As we understand what causes our conflicts with others, we can discover the ingredients that are necessary for strong relationships. Recognizing conflict may actually help identify Torch 11