Torch, Summer 1978

Maximum Parenthood Continued boarding school to get her act together as well. They entered my office with a list of rules and regulations they would be presenting to her when she arrived home. The father asked, "What do you think of our approach?" I had a very brief response to this approach. I tore up the list and deposited it in the circular file designated for trash. As I dropped it into the basket he said, "You didn't think much of it, right?" Right! At this point I quickly moved to transparency and asked, "In what way did you blow it as parents?" The mother blurted out, "But you don't understand, she's a brat!" "I know that, but where did yc;>u contribute to the problem?" After a barrage of resistance, we finally were able to list the mistakes in their parental responsibility. Instead of presenting the new rules, they began their relationship renewal with their own transparency in order to open up the relationship . Rules without relationship push the rebellion button every time. Through the transparency approach they were able to proceed in a healthy manner to help their daughter get her act together with them. INTIMACY The fourth ingredient for a relationship is intimacy. It's so easy to offer your child a box or a mold and declare, "Walk ye in it!" Intimacy demands relating to your children individually rather than as a group. Intimacy is studying the uniqueness (strengths and weaknesses) of your child and relating accordingly . One of the most frequent obstacles to int imacy is the parents' practice of policing their children . The parents build their fence or boundary of right and wrong for their child. This is a must in teaching responsible behavior. But instead of enjoying the relationship with their child inside the boundary area, they swiftly move toward the boundary so they can watch for the child breaking out. The child finds himself alone! The most natural way of getting his parents' attention is to do something wrong or break out of the boundary. Every child at some time will break out of the boundary. Intimacy says that the parents must enjoy the relationship with their child within the boundary area . Then, when he does break out of the boundary, he will have the strength of their relationship to draw him back. I (quite often) broke out of the boundary my parents drew for me. But I moved back within the boundary area because of the relationship I enjoyed with them, not because of the discipline I received. EXPECTANCY The fifth ingredient for a relationship is expectancy. Expectancy is viewing your child positively, not negatively. If you view your child as a problem, he will be! It's very easy to put labels on our children . "Here is our family scholar over here!" The implication being that your other child is a "dummy." Or, "Johnny is our clown," and Johnny seems to be exactly that! In addition to viewing your child positively, expectancy is giving your child a sense of destiny. A child enjoys nothing greater than hearing the story surrounding his birth. It's because it makes your child feel a sense of uniqueness in this world . Giving him a sense of destiny is helping your child realize and experience the purpose for which God created him. My earliest memories are filled with my mother relating to me the events surrounding my birth and that God had something special for me to do. Her expectancy of God's plan for my life was so real that it motivated me to search for it myself. PERSEVERANCE The sixth ingredient for a relationship is perseverance. Perseverance means to "harm in there" and is the basis for the motto of parenthood-"This, too, will pass!" Perseverance separates the offence from the offender. Even though you may disagree vehemently with what your child does, you must still "hang in there" in a relationship with your child . When my oldest daughter was